Today I learned about Philoctetes, a Greek archer circa Heracles’ time. In fact, Philoctetes was kinda like besties with Heracles, and when it came time for Heracles to die, his buddy was the only one with the stones to light Heracles’ funeral pyre. I’m sure it was wicked sad, but he understood that no one else was gonna do it, so he offered to pull the trigger and was rewarded with a set of poison-tipped arrows.

So Philoctetes is a kinda popular guy and is chosen to be a possible suitor for Helen of Troy, the most beautiful woman in the world. When she gets kidnapped as part of the awesome clusterfuck that was the beginning of the Trojan war…he has to go fight in it. Because he’s a suitor. So yeah, he goes to fight in the Trojan war because of this woman who doesn’t really care about him anyway.

 While futsing about and kicking tons of Trojan ass, he accidentally cuts himself on the foot with one of his poison arrows, which turns into this festering sore that gives off an awful odor. Naturally, his Greek compatriots do what anyone else would do in that situation: they drop him off on the Isle of Lemnos and leave him there to die. Because his foot stank.

 There’s a kinda-sorta Happy Ending, where Odysseus finds out he needs Heracles’ arrows to win the Trojan war after 10 years, and returns to Lemnos to grab them off of Philoctetes’ presumed dead body, only to find out he’s just been sitting there; meditating on what it’s like to be completely alone and need to turn to nature and your environment as your only company. They cure his foot with some good ol’ fashioned hand-wavery, and he gets convinced to go re-join the Trojan War.

 Ya see, the Myth of Philoctetes is rife with the heavy-handed metaphors I like in my Greek legends. He’s a pretty loyal friend, who doesn’t get the girl but has to fight for her anyway, gets abandoned by his fellow soldiers for dumb shit, communes with the sparrow for a while and kinda feels sorry for himself, then jumps back into the fray when given the opportunity for retribution. Yeah, a guy like me could really learn to identify with Philoctetes.

 Oh yeah, and the whole thing ends with him finding the little ninny Paris and murdering him, then Helen and Paris suffering in the Second Circle of Hell for all eternity. I really like that part.

-diggy